I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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