I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
