i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
