I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
