swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't want my vagina anymore.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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