Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
