DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
