btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
