so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
