I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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