I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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