she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
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The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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