can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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