Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
