We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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