Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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