So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
