I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
