Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
