A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
