He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
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