dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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