what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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