a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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