I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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