There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
