You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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