we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
