Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
