I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
