Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
