Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
