Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
