woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
