Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
