So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
