she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
