help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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