literally had 100 drinks last night.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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