I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She is in my trunk
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
