Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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