im gay
i know
yea but for you.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
