I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
