If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
