Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I love how my cats smell like pot.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
