we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
