Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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