Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
