i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
whose ass print is on the piano?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
