My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
