My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
