i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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