We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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