I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
