I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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