tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
