I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
