Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
