the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
