yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
